How to find your Soulmate on Grindr by Scott Tsui

Grindr is generally regarded as a sex app as opposed to a dating app. Knowing this, is it really possible to find love on Grindr?

I believe not everyone uses Grindr solely for sex. There is always a spectrum of men who want different things at different times. From just sex, looking for casual dates to occupy their time, friends with benefits, to searching for something that is more meaningful. There are always men who want to date and start a relationship. It’s just a number’s game.

The danger is that for the ones who claim they want a relationship, many of them checked all those boxes. Their thinking is that before Mr. Right shows up, they can still enjoy their sex adventures and have their fun. What they are not aware of is that they can get easily distracted even when the right guy shows up, especially when someone who’s hotter or sexier approaches them before they have established an intimate connection. 

Connecting with sexy guys is a habit that is hard to break for many. Relating to someone at a deeper emotional level requires an investment of time and emotion. Grindr users need to learn how to differentiate physical and emotional intimacy.

The truth is, there are always diamonds in the rough. It’s also about timing. A relationship can only develop only if the user is ready for it. If the user is tired of feeling empty after many hookups and the right person comes along, someone who brings the right chemistry, there’s a chance to establish a meaningful connection. Chances are, the user will have to go through a lot of profiles before finding someone who has the same goals, fits the criteria and is able, to be honest about what he wants. 

Let’s not forget that people define dating differently. For some, casual dating is just about having fun – and not a prelude to a serious relationship. People could be dating others on a short-term or long-term basis, the could be openly or secretly dating multiple people at the same time or exclusively dating somebody one-on-one. Being clear about your objective is important.

To utilize Grindr more effectively, here are some Do’s and Don’ts:

- Don’t let bad experiences make you believe that apps are unworkable, you are wasting your time, and you should never use it again. Experiences such as meeting men who have open relationships or who are cheating on their partner while pretending to be single, flakey people, ghosting, believing ‘everyone’ wants to hookup, running into rude people, and so on – all of these past experiences can easily discourage you. You will only find someone if you truly believe it will happen. Don't rule out the possibilities.

- Don’t rely too much on the app to the point where you become addicted. Avoid spending too much time chatting up people and being glued to the phone. Experience life and make an effort to get to know real people.

- Don’t hold onto the illusion that a better one is just around the corner. If you find a man who can connect with you emotionally, treat him special and don't let him get away! 

- Don’t stop going out and meeting real people just because it’s easier to handle rejection online. Rejections will always be there, both online and offline.

- Don’t lose the ability to socialize and connect with people in real life, especially when building intimacy. Sharpen this skill.

- Don’t try to turn tricks into boyfriends. When it doesn’t happen, you will likely get disappointed, discouraged, and finally give up. If he doesn’t want a relationship, you are wasting your time and energy. Move on.

- Don’t get addicted to hookups just because it’s easy. It's a habit that is hard to break and can be destructive after you pair up with someone – unless you have an open relationship.

- Don’t depend solely on the app. Use it as a tool to assist you and do not rely on it entirely.

Here are the “Do’s” that will help you stay motivated and find your man:

- Do understand that the app can bring you men to hook up with without much talking or communication. Sex could be out-of-this-world, but the time will come when you need to get to know the person. This requires social and interpersonal skills in order to establish an emotional connection. Spend some time learning how to develop that special connection.

- Do understand the concept of proximity. Location. This is critical if you live in an area with a few gay people. Distance will be a significant factor in determining whether or not you or the other person is capable or willing to relocate to be together. 

- Do understand that it’s all about timing. The right person might not show up until it’s the right time. Some people are on the same app forever, but new members will keep joining. If you continue to find the same pool of men on the app, stay away and revisit in 3 – 6 months or longer. Don’t let this discourage you.

- Do have the right attitude/perspective. It is easy to fall into the trap of getting rejected and thinking ‘I am the victim’ or ‘what’s wrong with me.’ Have faith that it’s just a matter of time before he will show up and use the app strategically. Be optimistic and stay happy. No one wants to date someone who’s bitter and doesn’t know how to smile, laugh, have fun, and enjoy life. 

- Do lower your expectations. When you find a potential match, it’s a bonus!

- Do have good quality photos that show your character instead of going bare-chested. Put some nice clothes on and don’t do selfies. You do have friends to take some good-quality photos of you from a better angle, right?

- Do put some effort into creating an appealing and more detailed profile. Write about who you are and what you want. It’s ok to be a little bit vulnerable and say ‘I am looking for something more special.’ This doesn’t make you sound desperate and will attract men who want the same thing.

If you applied what you learned from the above, you would have a much better chance of finding the man of your dreams on Grindr.